


Inside Jokes and Jealous Sirius

by simplysirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Feels, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26822149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplysirius/pseuds/simplysirius
Summary: When James takes over Lily's prefect duties while she's sick, he grows closer to Remus, leaving Sirius wondering why he's so jealous of their friendship.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 192





	1. Chapter 1

When Lily came down with a bad cold one winter evening, James gamely volunteered to fulfill her prefect duties until she was better. He had, after all, been the one who persuaded her into a snowball fight last week and laughed when she got snow down her back. 

Sirius found the idea of James being a prefect more than hilarious. James, ringleader of their misfit gang, lead designer of their best pranks, best friends with the concept of detention, was supposed to keep order? Remus took his duties seriously, never once using his power for personal gain – he wouldn’t even let Sirius use the prefect bathroom when he had to go – so Sirius figured that James must be in it for the opportunity to rain terror on Snape and his pack of Slytherins. 

Imagine the shock on Sirius’ face when James threatened him with detention for throwing food across the dinner table at Marlene, a failed attempt at initiating a good fight. At first, Sirius laughed him off, but James was stern and steadfast. 

Together, Remus and James were the temporary Gryffindor power duo, and suddenly the castle was disciplined and under control. They were just and fair, taking points away from Slytherins with a satisfied glint in their eyes, but also taking points away from Gryffindor should they find even the smallest of violations. Everyone knew that Lily was a righteous prefect, not afraid to punish her own house harsher than even the Slytherins, so James figured he had a reputation to uphold. He didn’t win many new friends, but he did enjoy holding a little more power in his hand. James also was acutely aware that Lily entrusted him to do the job and to do it well, and goddamnit he wasn’t going to let her down. Plus, it meant that he got to spend a little more time with Remus; living with both his parents, and now, Sirius over the summer was entertaining, but James had found a growing appreciation for Remus’ subdued nature.

It also meant that Sirius spent most of his time alone. As soon as classes were finished for the day, Remus and James went off on their separate patrols and Sirius was left to find a table at the library, surrounded by two empty seats. He was in bed before Remus and James returned from their night rounds. The only time he could hang out with his friends was during their meals in the Great Hall and a spare few minutes in passing between rounds and their other duties. He told himself that this was only temporary; that Lily would be better in a few days and he’d get James back and Remus wouldn’t have to work so hard. In a few days, he would have his friends back and all would be well. Maybe he’d even take Remus to Honeydukes that weekend and buy him a hot chocolate. Would James be mad if he wasn’t invited? The thought of James tagging along was, for some reason, an unbearable possibility, and the more Sirius thought about it, the harder his teeth clenched.

It occurred to Sirius that the only reason he wanted to buy Remus hot chocolate was to laugh at the cocoa moustache that splashed over his upper lip because Remus had a bad habit of finishing his mug in just a couple sips. It also occurred to him, just a moment later, that he could have volunteered to take Lily’s place. He had the perfect opportunity to keep Remus to himself, roam the empty halls with him, stay up until all hours of the night with him, and he blew it; James just had to jump out of his seat so he could get good-boyfriend points. 

Rationally, Sirius knew he was being stupid. But when he was walking towards the dorm after class one day and spotted his friends making their way down the hall, he waved, only to be ignored as James and Remus turned the corner and disappeared. Sirius tried to convince himself it was nothing – that they just didn’t see him – but it’s hard to drown out your conscious when there’s no one else around.

James and Remus were late for dinner. When the entered the Great Hall, James shoved Remus through the doors, falling in behind him with a giggle. They sat down at the table across from Sirius, and Sirius pretended not to notice that Remus wasn’t sitting next to him in the spot he saved for him. The same spot he had sat in for years.

“I’m going to the loo,” Remus said, standing from the bench. 

“Don’t get bit by the trash panda,” James warned, hardly able to get the words out before he dissolved into a fit of laughter. Remus doubled over, free hand clutching the edge of the table, laughing so hard that his eyes disappeared and there was no sound coming out of his mouth. James scrunched his nose and made a strange chirping sound with his tongue, and Remus waved him off, begging him to stop. 

Sirius watched with a blank face, eyes flickering between his two friends, who didn’t seem to care to elaborate. He hadn’t seen Remus laugh like that in who knows how long – certainly well before the last moon. What could possibly be so funny that James could debilitate Remus into a spasm of laughter with just seven words? James wasn’t that funny. “What are you guys talking about?”

Another round of choking laughter erupted, and Remus shook his head, gasping for breath. “You had to be there.” He excused himself to the bathroom, hand clasped over his mouth to keep from giggling.

When he returned, Sirius recognized the mischievous glimmer in James’ eye that meant he was about to rip another zinger, and he wracked his brain for something – anything – to interrupt it.

“Did you guys hear about– ” Sirius started as soon as Remus was in ear shot.

“Were the condiments to your liking, milord?” James asked regally, deepening his voice and addressing Remus with the utmost formality. He held his hand out to welcome Remus back to the table, as if his every move needed a celebration of trumpets and red carpets.

Remus deserved to be celebrated, Sirius knew, but not with fancy shows of decorum and grandeur. Celebrating with Remus was splitting a chocolate bar – the kind with little almond pieces in it because Remus liked the added protein – and sneaking off to the astronomy tower at midnight because the stars were bright but their future was brighter. Celebrating with Remus was a triumphant hug after a difficult exam that Sirius wanted with all his might to last longer than a few seconds. Celebrating with Remus was wishing Sirius could kiss him all the time without any real reason, finding solace in the fact that Remus was just Remus, and that was reason enough to celebrate. 

Sirius vaguely registered that Remus was laughing again, hand on James’ shoulder, wiping tears away from his eyes. It burned Sirius’ throat, and didn’t speak for the rest of the dinner. Not like anyone bothered to notice.

He later retired to the bedroom early, not wanting to sit through dinner listening to yet another joke he didn’t understand and no one bothered to explain. Lily was on the mend, trying to overcome her cold as fast as possible, but was still restricted to bedrest. Sirius wondered how much he would have to pay Lily to take one for the team and go back to her duties. 

James and Remus stumbled in a short time later, chuckling as they pushed open the door. James flung himself onto his bed, the springs squealing, and paged through the new issue of The Quidditch Times that was delivered this morning. Remus slipped his robe off and draped it over the post of his bed.

“Did you see they came out with new broom bristles? That would be a wicked upgrade for the team, don’t you think, Sirius?” James asked, holding up the magazine and pointing to the array of bristles. 

Did it look like Sirius gave a shit about broom bristles right now? To be fair, James could have said almost anything at that moment and Sirius still would have found anger rising in his throat like hot bile. Maybe he should show Remus his stupid broom bristles. Maybe Remus should take Sirius’ place on the team. He was, after all, James’ new best friend. 

“Good night,” Sirius said pointedly, attempting to convince Remus and James that he was going to bed before the sun even sunk below the ridgeline outside their window. He pulled the covers up to his ears and shut his eyes.

James shrugged and turned back to his magazine. Remus looked at him carefully, watching the quick rise and fall of his shoulders, noting the bitterness in his voice, knowing that something was wrong but not having a clue what it was about. He had been by James’ side all day; when had the two of them argued to start whatever kind of fight this was?

“What do you think, Remus, red bristles or gold–”

“Don’t you two have rounds to make or something?” Sirius snapped. He buried his head under the covers so he didn’t have to look at either of them. But blankets don’t drown out noise, and damn it all to hell that Sirius couldn’t remember the command for a silencing charm.

James narrowed his eyes, slapping the book shut and throwing it into his trunk. “Yeah, let’s go Remus. We have prefect duties to do.”

Remus raised his hands in the air, pointing to Sirius, and James just shrugged with rolled eyes. Slipping his robe over his head, Remus reached up to adjust the prefect badge, suddenly panicked when it wasn’t secured on the black fabric. He dropped to his knees, searching the floor, but only found dust bunnies and a few stray socks.

“I have to find my pin,” Remus whispered, at least trying to be considerate if Sirius really was sleeping. Maybe Lily’s cold was floating around. 

Remus upended his bedsheets, fluffed his pillows, and checked drawers. He searched through his trunk, taking out his books, parchments, and pens, trying to be as quiet as possible but the sound was amplified by his frantic movements and Sirius’ growing annoyance. Being left alone for days suddenly seemed like a great idea.

“C’mon mate, find it later,” James said, not bothering to lower his voice. 

“I have to find it,” Remus insisted, checking behind the curtains, under rugs, and inside every pair of socks he owned. 

James helped him look, clicking his tongue around all the while, as if clucking his tongue like a ticking clock was going to help them find it faster. Sirius’ toes curled and he was sure there would be little moon-shaped indents in his palms from his fingernails digging into his skin so harshly.

“Oh my god,” James chuckled, eyes on Remus’ back. “Moons, your pin is–”

“Who cares about a stupid fucking pin?” Sirius shouted, uncovering his head and staring right into Remus’ eyes, instantly regretting it. He suddenly remembered so clearly at the beginning of the year when Remus was first given his prefect badge, how excited the boy was to pin it onto his robes. He wore it like a gold medal; Hogwarts was proud of him, and he wanted everyone to see it. Sirius said it because he knew it would hurt Remus, but as the words blurted out of his mouth and stung his tongue, he realized that hurting Remus was only hurting himself. 

The room was suffocated in a blanket of silence that couldn’t possibly mask the hurt tearing through Remus’ face. His lips parted and his cheeks dropped, revealing honey eyes that had been robbed of their shine. Behind him, James stared daggers at Sirius.

“Your robe is backwards, Moony. The pin is on the other side,” James finished. 

Remus blinked at Sirius, suddenly questioning if it was really James he was mad at. He turned his robe around, adjusted the prefect pin, and stalked out the door with a resounding slam that rattled the walls.

After a long hour of solitude, Sirius suddenly couldn’t stand to stay in the dorm. Instead, he stole the invisibility cloak from James’ trunk and tiptoed to the astronomy tower, letting the glacial winter wind freeze his bones and bite his skin with the sting of a million needles. Sirius deserved the pain. It was nothing compared to what he had just done to Remus.

Why had he done it? Why was he so angry at James and Remus? They hadn’t really done anything wrong, had they? Well, yes, Sirius tried to rationalize, they had left him alone. That wasn’t a crime, though. In truth, Sirius loved Remus’ pin. He loved how confident it made Remus, how other students finally respected him, how Remus was finally getting recognized for being the incredible person Sirius always knew he was.

Sirius realized that it probably wasn’t normal to envision kissing your best friend. It probably wasn’t normal to wake up in the middle of the night and find his face in the darkness, watching him sleep until his own eyes felt heavy once more. It probably wasn’t normal that when he saw Remus brushing his teeth, he wondered if his mouth tasted like mint or like the honey-vanilla tea he brewed each morning. 

He let his head fall back against the wall with a hard thump and closed his eyes, wishing he could only see black darkness instead of Remus’ gentle face smiling back at him.

When he was thoroughly frozen and could hardly move his arms and legs, Sirius halfheartedly covered himself with the cloak and hobbled down the tower. He shuffled through the empty castle, curfew long since passed, and wondered how he was going to fix things. 

Sirius rounded the corner and stopped short. Remus stalked down the hall, coming to a stop just a few yards away from Sirius. Even with the cloak, he knew he was detected. The Marauders had used the cloak so much, they suspected they were the only ones who could actually detect it now. Sirius slowly pulled the cloak from his head and looked at Remus.

He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t frowning. He was just staring. Cold and taciturn. Hands by his side curling into fists. Of course it was his turn for midnight patrol. Of course it was.

“If you have something to say to me, just say it,” Remus demanded, his voice echoing down the empty hallway. He wasn’t in the mood to hear a half-assed apology. Every time his hand brushed the pin clasped onto the lapel of his robes, Sirius’ words echoed in his head. If he didn’t have the support of his best friend, what did he have?

Sirius’ mouth ran dry and a weight dropped onto his chest, so heavy that it threatened to shatter his ribs and crush his lungs. His lips parted, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t form any words. He had so many things to say. They careened in his head, ricocheting against his skull, reverberating in his bones. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. God, I love you. I hope you love me back. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t love me. 

Remus rolled his eyes and shouldered past him. “Get to the dorm. It’s curfew. I have to make rounds.” He left Sirius standing alone in the passageway, skin colder than the stone that surrounded him. Rubbing his face with the heels of his palms, Sirius began the lonely walk back towards the Gryffindor quarters. 

James sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, absentmindedly running his fingers through Lily’s hair, keeping the thick wool blanket tucked tightly over her body. Sirius walked through the porthole and stopped short. He braced himself for a gush of vitriol and approached the couch. 

“Can we talk?” Sirius asked James rather sheepishly, not sure what he would do in the very likely situation that James refused. The thing about being a jerk to someone and not apologizing right after is that you usually end up needing a favor sooner than you think. Should the situation been reversed, Sirius was pretty sure he’d tell James to sod off.

To his credit, James was a better person than Sirius, and nodded without more than a second of deliberation. He encouraged Lily’s head off his lap, propping her up on a pillow, and led the way to their bedroom. Sirius shuffled behind, hands deep in his pockets, eyes downcast towards his feet. When he reached the bedroom, he shut the door behind him and leaned against it, not trusting his legs to hold his weight. James stood near the foot of his bed, giving Sirius the floor with an outstretched arm.

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and his eyes slowly crawled up to meet James’. “How did you know when you liked Lily?”

James blinked. That was not the apology he was expecting. His eyebrows furrowed and for the first time, he saw a stranger in front of him. Gone was the smug confidence and haughty smirk. Gone were the broad shoulders and vaunting hips. Gone were the sparkling eyes and lively glow. The boy standing in front of James, clasping two white-knuckled hands together, was the shell of someone who resembled Sirius if only by his black hair. 

“Please answer the question,” Sirius begged when James just stared at him. 

James licked his lips and sat down on his bed with a sigh. There was a sinking stone in his stomach, approximately the size of a small-scale Remus, that told him what this was about, but when he closed his eyes, all he saw was red hair and a face spotted with freckles. “I knew I liked her when she was the only thing I could think about. When I saw other girls and couldn’t care less about them because they weren’t Lily. When I scored a Quidditch goal and the only applause I heard was from her. When I started walking through Hogsmeade and thinking about things I could buy her instead of myself. I knew I liked Lily when I looked at her and she felt like home.”

Sirius nodded along, finding himself sliding down the face of the door and onto the floor, knees pulled into his chest. He watched James talk about Lily, his eyelids drooping, a quiet smile spreading on his face, the physical manifestation of love. The knot in his stomach grew; each thing James listed off, Sirius checked another box. 

“Sirius?” James asked quietly, as if he was afraid of scaring him away. Their eyes met, a silent understanding. “You gotta tell him.”

Shaking his head, Sirius buried his face in his arms. As if he didn’t already know that. The problem, he realized, was knowing you had to do something, and actually doing that something, necessitated an entirely different kind of courage. “What if he doesn’t like me back?”

James tried to smile. “You’re a Gryffindor, Sirius. You’re braver than you know. Don’t forget that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius figures out a way to patch things up with Remus, but it's up to Remus to accept his apology or not.

Inside Jokes, Jealous Sirius Part 2

You are a Gryffindor. You are brave. You are a Gryffindor. You are brave.

Sirius figured that if he kept repeating those words in his head, eventually, he would start to believe him. He would gather every thread of bravery woven through his body and walk up to Remus and apologize and tell him the truth and Remus would smile and kiss him and they would live happily ever after. 

Pacing in his room, he stopped in front of the mirror and stared at himself, face just inches away from the glass. Sirius looked at himself; really looked in excruciating detail, and made a list. His nose was crooked from that one time Snape punched him square in the face, and he thought that the little twist to his bone made him look tougher. Maybe it just made him look like a ruthless ruffian. His chipped front tooth was a reminder of an unfortunate meeting between his face and a frozen pond, body forgetting all sense of coordination on ice skates. Maybe it made him look like an untalented loser. His hair was stringy and black, uninspiring and entirely too prominent to allow him to forget where he came from. And maybe that was the worst offense of all. Why would Remus love him back? 

You aren’t supposed to be a Gryffindor. You’re a coward. You aren’t supposed to be a Gryffindor. You’re a coward. 

No matter how hard Sirius tried, those were the words that reverberated around his skull. He was never meant to be a Gryffindor; somehow, he had fooled his destiny into a following a different path, and now he was cornered in a dead end without the ability to go back to the start. He was supposed to by a Slytherin; he was shrewd and cunning, with a flair for selfish outbursts and wanton jealousy. Maybe instead of torturing Snape, he should have taken him out for a pint of butter beer. 

Knotting his fingers in his hair, Sirius huffed and continued to pace. What was he going to say to Remus? How was he going to get him alone? It had been three days since the hallway incident, and Remus had yet to even look at Sirius, let alone give him a second to talk. He was out of the bedroom before Sirius woke up in the morning, still gone when Sirius fell asleep, and pointedly turned his back to Sirius during meal times in the Great Hall. Lily had returned to prefect duty, effectively relieving James of all responsibilities, but even James was reluctant to interact with Sirius; there was a collective understanding that things would not be fixed until Sirius apologized, and James couldn’t bring himself to knowingly stand on the wrong side of an argument. 

Sirius considered cornering Remus after class, preventing him from beginning his daily rounds and forcing him to listen to whatever unruly apology spewed from his mouth. But Sirius didn’t want Remus to get into trouble for neglecting his responsibilities – he didn’t need another reason for Remus to hate him – so he threw that idea out immediately. On their way to transfiguration, James whispered something about trying to talk to Remus in front of a large crowd of people, using peer pressure to his advantage, but, should Remus stalk away from him or, even worse, laugh at his choked confession, Sirius couldn’t bear to have a hundred eyes on him. 

That weekend, the students were allowed into Hogsmeade for their final trip into town before the Christmas holidays. James tried to convince Lily to stay at the castle in case her cold came roaring back, but she refused to miss out on the peppermint patties at Honeydukes. James was careful not to mention how behind on his holiday shopping he was and that it would make his life much easier if she stayed put on the couch in the Gryffindor common room. Remus decided to tag along with Lily and James, partly because the peppermint patties sounded delicious, and partly because he had no one else to go with. 

Which, once again, left Sirius alone. 

Sirius decided the best course of action would be to sit in his room and sulk all day, imagining the smell of the peppermint patties and how they would definitely make Remus’ mouth taste like mint, and then Remus would probably buy a mug of hot chocolate to wash it all down, chocolate moustache and all. 

“You’re sure you don’t want to come?” James asked, wrapping his scarf around his neck. Remus was already waiting for him in the common room.

Yes, of course Sirius wanted to come. He shook his head. “Have fun.”

James frowned. “Are you ever going to talk to him?”

“He won’t let me!” Sirius exclaimed, sudden burst of energy surprising James. Sirius swallowed and sank back on his bed. “He keeps avoiding me.”

“Gee, I wonder why.”

“I know I was an asshole, James.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” James deadpanned. He buttoned his jacket. “But you should still come. It’s the last visit until spring.”

It wasn’t until James, Lily, and Remus left that Sirius suddenly realized he was missing his chance. If James and Lily went off to do whatever kinds of couplely things they liked to do, Remus would be all alone, giving him the perfect opportunity to swoop in and save the day. He dug through James’ trunk until his hands grasped the invisibility cloak, and hurried out the door. 

Finding James, Lily, and Remus was easy. Waiting until Remus was alone was not. If Lily and Remus weren’t watching out for the younger students, refusing to neglect their prefect duties, him and James were trying to figure out what to get her for Christmas. 

Sirius stalked quietly from a distance, careful not to accidently brush Remus’ elbow or step on the back of his heels. They traipsed around the village, flitting from shop to shop, pointing through windows and spending what little money they had jingling in their pockets. Lily admired a long green dress in the window of a boutique until Remus had to physically pull her away from it, leaving James counting and recounting his coins behind them. 

He pulled Lily into the familiar bookstore where Remus frequented so often he was on a first name basis with the shopkeeper. He browsed the aisles while Lily paged through magazines near the front counter, taking a special interest in The Quidditch Store and their line of broom bristles. She snapped the magazine closed when James stepped into the store. 

Sirius followed them inside, hugging the cloak tight around his shoulders to avoid tipping over any of the book displays. To prevent detection, Sirius settled behind a tall shelf of books, peering through the shelves to watch his friends. He found Remus in front of a shelf towards the back, staring intently at a book proudly displayed on a pedestal with spotlights. Remus stroked the binding, almost not daring to lay a finger on it, and sighed, frowning when he saw the price tag. 

“Remus, c’mon, we have to go to Honeydukes before they close!” Lily called, startling Remus out of his intense concentration. He cast one more longing glance at the book before scrambling back to the front of the store, bidding the shopkeeper a happy holiday, and setting off across the village with Lily and James in tow. 

Sirius stepped out of his hiding spot and rushed over to the book. Defense Against the Dark Arts: Limited Collector’s Edition, signed by author M.T. Brown. Sirius took it off the shelf without even looking at the price tag. He dropped it onto the counter, the thousand page book falling with a thud. 

The shopkeeper narrowed his eyes at Sirius, not remembering seeing him walk through the door, and rang up the book. “One hundred and twenty-two galleons, please.”

Mouth agape, Sirius handed over the requested money with shaking fingers. James would understand if he didn’t get a Christmas present this year, right? Or next year? Or the year after that? He took the world’s most expensive collection of paper and tucked it under his arm, thanking the shopkeeper with a tight, sardonic smile.

Sirius hatched a new plan. He would run all the way back to Hogwarts – assuming his lungs didn’t explode first – and wrap Remus’ present. He’d put it right on his pillow so that as soon as Remus walked into the dorm, he saw sitting there. It was, perhaps, the lease impressive plan he could have possibly created, but it gave Remus a reason to talk to Sirius, and maybe it would make him slightly less angry. 

Worst case scenario, Remus got a new book and Sirius had exactly zero dollars to his name. Perfect. 

Sirius found some scraps of newspaper around the castle – he didn’t have any money left to buy proper wrapping paper, and thought better against stealing some – and carefully covered the book. He had to admit, it looked cool in a vintage, book-nerd kind of way, which fit Remus perfectly. Positioning it just right on his bed, Sirius sat back for only a second before he decided he couldn’t stomach waiting around and he absolutely couldn’t be here when Remus opened it; what if he didn’t like it? What if he was just admiring the cover of the book at the store? 

Instead, he fled to the astronomy tower, instantly regretting not wearing warmer clothes but too afraid to venture back to the dorm in case Remus had returned.

The sun had already set, a blanket of stars covering the night sky. It was quiet, save for the occasional crooning of an owl and the arctic wind whistling through the rafters. If Sirius closed his eyes, he almost felt weightless, like he could spread his arms and the billowing fabric of his robes would catch the breeze and fly him far away from the castle. He was almost tempted to try it, but was too afraid of where he might land.

“Why do you like coming up here so much?” A voice asked behind him, startling Sirius so bad he could feel his heart beating in his ears. Remus emerged from the shadows of the tower, crossing his arms on his chest and pulling his jacket tighter around his body. “It’s fucking freezing.” 

“I thought you had rounds,” Sirius said stupidly, still trying to regain feeling in his body. Of all the things he could have said to Remus – I’m sorry still at the top of the list – he said the most obvious, vapid string of words possible. He worried that Remus might mistake his response as bitter and aggressive, but he was met with a feeble shrug as Remus settled down next to him. 

“Rounds can wait.” 

They sat there together, the bitter wind cold, the glacial air between them worse. Remus was finally acknowledging his existence, but it didn’t feel like the Remus he knew. This was a carefully guarded Remus, one who knew there was a cliff somewhere in front of him, but not sure how many steps he could take before falling off the edge. 

“Thank you for the book. Really, that was the nicest...How did you know I wanted it? You didn’t have to do that.” Remus struggled for words, something Sirius knew didn’t happen often.

His body felt warm for a moment, basking in the pleasure of Remus’ happiness. “Yes I did.” But no matter how warm he felt, his throat was still frozen, and he couldn’t find the right words to fix whatever was happening here. You are a Gryffindor. You are brave. You weren’t supposed to be a Gryffindor. You are a coward. How was he supposed to know which was right?

“If you don’t say something soon we’re gonna freeze out here,” Remus said, his tone clipped, pulling his knees into his chest. Sirius knew that Remus was perpetually cold – this was the boy who wore scarves and sweaters well into June, after all – and fought the urge to wrap an arm around his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius finally said, but lost the nerve to actually apologize for anything. 

Remus watched his face, waiting for him to say something else, to explain himself, to finally confess, but nothing happened. And it angered Remus. It infuriated him. Here he was, sitting with his ass on a snowy, wet ledge at midnight, finally giving Sirius the time of day, and yet he couldn’t even properly apologize? He clenched his teeth, sharp canines sinking into the soft flesh of his mouth, and heaved himself onto his feet.

“If that’s all you have to say to me, then forget it Sirius,” Remus snapped, turning back towards the staircase.

“Wait!” Sirius cried, reaching out to clasp Remus’ hand. It was a burning, unfamiliar contact that shocked them both. Remus froze mid-step, and Sirius held on tighter, afraid to let go. “Please. I just…Please.”

Remus found his eyes and the wind was suddenly knocked out of his lungs. Sirius’ eyes, normally swimming in pools of mischievous delight, were as dark as pitch, brimming with unmistakable tears. No matter how angry Remus was, he couldn’t make himself leave. He settled back down beside him, noticing, with his heart beating in his throat, Sirius still holding onto his hand.

Sirius knew time was running out. He had to say something – anything that was even remotely intelligent – before he lost his best friend forever. The thought of never making Remus laugh or see that nerdy dance he did every time he got a good exam mark felt like a wrecking ball shattering his every bone into a million infinitesimal pieces. It was a pain he knew he would never recover from.

“I shouldn’t have said that about your pin,” he began. That seemed like the best place to start, since it was the worst thing he could have ever said. “I love your pin. It looks pretty cool. And you deserve it. I think you’re a great prefect.”

Remus nodded along, grateful for the compliment, knowing that this wasn’t just about a dumb pin. 

Sirius continued, “and I’m sorry for getting so mad at you and James. I just…felt left out, I guess.”

“Why?” Remus asked, genuinely confused. They had been best friends for years; how could a couple of days change that? 

“Because you were having so much fun without me, all those inside jokes and all. I missed you guys,” Sirius admitted shamefully, speaking into his lap. His grip around Remus’ fingers tightened as he fought off the returning feelings of inferiority and jealousy. 

With his thumb, Remus rubbed the smallest of circles on the back of Sirius’ hand. The tiny motion was enough for Sirius to forget how to breathe, and he suddenly felt dizzy feeling Remus’ skin on his. How many times had he wished for this? How many times had this been his last thought before falling asleep?

“Being a prefect is boring,” Remus disagreed. “All I do is walk around all day, the same halls, the same patrols. It gets monotonous; even the stupidest things become funny.”

“Like the trash panda?” Sirius suggested with a sad smile. Even if it was stupid, he was desperate to know the story. He remembered how the mere mention of the trash panda made Remus dissolve into a puddle of hysterics, and god, he wanted to be the one to make Remus laugh that hard.

Remus chuckled. “Yeah. Honestly, the trash panda was just a raccoon James and I saw digging through the compost the other day, and it got its head stuck in an empty can of beans.”

Sirius frowned. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he was hoping for a better story. At least that would have made him feel better about his explosive reaction. “That’s kind of stupid.”

Nodding in agreement, Remus added quietly added, “sometimes I wish I wasn’t a prefect. I miss spending time with you.”

It occurred to Sirius that Remus could have easily said you and James. On any normal given day, it was Sirius and James left to study on their own while Remus performed his duties; surely he would miss James, too? But he didn’t. Remus missed Sirius. He missed hearing about the pranks that were sure to fail, he missed entertaining crazy ideas about what they would all become after Hogwarts, he missed the late night whispers under the invisibility cloak when one of them was reeling from a devastating nightmare.

It gave Sirius enough confidence to meet Remus’ glance with a newfound realization. When he closed his eyes, he saw honey-dipped curls and jarring pink scars. When he looked at Remus, he was looking at home. What a lovely thing it is to finally have a home; a roof over your head, a fire next to your bedside, and a pair of hands to hold until the day you die. 

“I like you Remus,” Sirius choked, the words tumbling out so quickly he wasn’t even sure if Remus understood. “No…I…I love you. And I hope you love me back because if you don’t I think I’ll die. And I keep coming to this stupid fucking tower because it’s the place where you pointed out my constellation in the sky and it made me feel like I was worth something. So...I’ll always have that; even if you don’t like me back.” 

Remus absorbed his words, running his teeth over his bottom lip and fumbling with his fingers that he was mostly sure were already frost bitten. Sirius swallowed hard. Had he said too much? Why wasn’t Remus saying anything? Why was he just looking at him like that? 

“I have some good news and some bad news,” Remus finally said, and Sirius felt like he was going to fling himself off the tower. He’d probably land in a tall snow drift and freeze solid, only thawing out after the leaves on the trees began to bud and the frogs unearthed themselves from the permafrost. That seemed like a much less painful existence. 

He tried to open his mouth to urge Remus to continue, but no sound came out. Instead, he just nodded.

“The bad news is that you aren’t worth more than your constellation; you’re worth more than all the stars in the sky on full brightness. The good news is that you aren’t going to die tonight.”

Sirius blinked in a dazed confusion. He searched Remus’ face for some kind of clue that decoded what the fuck Remus just said; didn’t he know that his brain was already reeling from hypothermia and wasn’t up for the task of translating long-winded, poetic metaphors?

Remus laughed lightly, watching Sirius’ eyebrows furrow and his jaw slacken. He took a deep breath, watching the steam swirl into the air. “I love you, Sirius Black.”

There was hardly a moment to breathe a sigh of relief before Sirius launched himself off the ledge and into Remus’ body, pressing their lips together, curling hands into hair, hooking feet around ankles. It was messy and desperate, making up for years of lost time, of silent thoughts, of dark, hungry desires. 

It was not how Remus imagined his first kiss with Sirius would go – they were not in a bookstore sharing a mug of hot chocolate – and Sirius hadn’t expected this turn of events either – it wasn’t the post-Quidditch House Cup victory celebration he had been hoping for – but this moment was everything, everything, everything. 

Sirius was handsy, feeling Remus’ body beneath his coat, brushing the expanse of his neck under the thick scarf, caressing his burning cheek with trailing fingers. Remus was chaotic, drunk on the taste of Sirius’ mouth, all nutmeg and gingerbread, pushing his tongue deeper into his mouth, ignoring his lungs begging for oxygen because the relief he found in Sirius’ body was intoxicating. They had each other now, not realizing they had a thousand days in front of them to learn their bodies in an entirely new and undiscovered way; certainly, they could move the classroom to a warmer location where they could actually feel all of their toes. Sirius was wondering if he had any pinkie toes left.

He reluctantly removed his mouth from Remus’, gasping for air. “I’m s-so cold, Moony. Can we go inside?”

“Let’s make some hot chocolate,” Remus nodded.

Together, they made their way back to the dorm, fingers interlaced and swinging between them. Remus broke into his chocolate collection and Sirius stole some milk from the kitchens, and they mixed the ingredients over a pot in the Gryffindor fireplace. Sirius nearly burned his tongue off on the scorching liquid, but his dramatic reaction prompted a stifled laugh from Remus, so he decided he could live with some burnt tastebuds. When Remus took a sip from his mug and splashed a chocolate moustache on his upper lip, Sirius nearly jumped when he realized he could kiss it off. And so he did. 

Remus had brought his new book down from the bedroom with him – Sirius wondered if he was going to take it everywhere he went for the rest of his life – and stared longingly at it. Sirius pushed the book further in his hands.

“Read to me,” he requested, settling back on the couch and resting his head against Remus’ shoulder. 

“Are you sure?” Remus asked skeptically. “The first couple chapters are like, first year lessons.”

“Read to me,” Sirius repeated, pressing a kiss to his jaw. 

Remus took a deep breath, in awe of his wildest dreams suddenly materializing before him. “Defense Against the Dark Arts, Special Collector’s Edition by M.T. Brown, chapter one…”

In the beginning, there was a boy named Sirius and a boy name Remus. In the end, there was a boy named Sirius who loved a boy named Remus, and, in a rare, dramatic, twist of fate, there was a boy named Remus who loved a boy named Sirius. Together, they were two celestial bodies, bursting with stardust, blinding others with their love, finding solace in the strangest of places, because as long as they were beside each other, they were home.


End file.
